Life After Hell
A Message For The Despairing
Everyone is a mess, some of us are just aware of it. Some of us are too aware of it. (Some of us are not aware enough, but that is a matter for another time). For some of us, existence and consciousness is painful enough to be nearly intolerable. For too many people that I love, it became altogether intolerable. Many of them took the slow route to oblivion, numbing their senses with poisons that eventually claimed their lives. Others chose to end it immediately.
I wish I could let them know how much I love them, and how beautiful life is on the other side of hell. For those of you who don't understand, I wish I could explain to you what it feels like to be in the abyss. For those of you who are there now, this is for you:
Between the ages of 19-24 I regularly thought of ending my life. There was no beauty, no value, no truth, no sanity in the world. All the colors were grey and everyone was a stranger. The suffering, oppression, exploitation, and injustice inflicted on innocents was all I could focus on. Any stories of hope or peace rang hollow, and I wondered if they were just part of the oppression. I also carried a heavy burden of guilt and shame toward myself.
I took my share of poison in an attempt to self-medicate. In my quest for numbness I sampled psilocybin mushrooms on numerous occasions. I would not claim they are a miracle cure for depression, nor recommend them, but they did show me a few things: A, that it is possible to change channels, and that my perception of reality is more a matter of perception than reality. B, that there is in fact a world of beautiful, vibrant colors teeming with Life and connection.
The feeling of disconnection, while all-pervasive and seemingly inescapable, is a feeling. The perception of a drab and monotonous world is a perception. There is beauty and truth and goodness and connection, even if I am not currently experiencing it. When I was viewing the world through the dark fog of depression, it seemed like the only reality there was. I promise you it is not!
There is a new beginning, and the dawn of a day you have never seen. You are of great value and deeply loved, regardless of what you have done or what has been done to you.
On the other side of the abyss is not just a return to "normal", but a deeper appreciation for life, and a fuller understanding of self and others.
The most important thing at this time is your survival! Do whatever you need to do to protect yourself. White-knuckling it "until it passes" is not a solution. Numbing with poison is not a solution. Seek help desperately and immediately. You are worth saving, and you can be saved!
What is the driving force behind a desire for non-being? There are several ways of looking at it. The most important thing to realize is that it is not yourself impelling you to self-harm. That voice is your enemy masquerading as yourself. What YOU really want (and rightly so) is some peace and quiet! A relief from the pressure and the weight and the pain and the chaos. It is available! You can be free of it and enjoy life! Why should we assume that death will provide us the relief of oblivion? For all we know it could be worse on the other side.
New Years Eve 2011 I was not exactly suicidal, but I did not care what happened to me. I started walking toward the interstate with a backpack without letting anyone know I was leaving. I felt like there was nothing of my life worth saving, so I might as well roll the dice and see where it took me. In the first few minutes of 2012 a stranger extended me an invitation: to give my past and future to Christ in exchange for a new beginning. I whispered, "If you are still in the business of new beginnings, I need one. I surrender my life to you Jesus. I have nothing to lose. Take my past and future and give me a new beginning."
I have discovered that he IS still in the business on new beginnings! He is always bringing New Life, always making right what has broken, healing what is hurt, bringing Light to darkness. He has defeated death and the forces of death that want to destroy our lives. The reason he can do all this is because he has been to the lowest part of the abyss and experienced it, declared Life and Hope for all who reside there, and returned. No one is too far fallen he cannot bring back.
None of my experiences should be construed as a replacement for counseling or antidepressants. If that's what it takes to save your life and get you through to the other side, please take that opportunity! Many people have, and are here to offer their very worthwhile contributions to the world because of it. I can't include that solution as part of my story because I never took that route (even if I should have).
Nothing is worth more than your life. Losing a lover is extremely painful, but your life is so much more than that relationship. Losing a job and racking up debt is really scary, especially with children. Facing repossession and eviction feels like a Very Big Deal. I am not saying that's not a big feeling. What I am saying is that it is a feeling. The reality of the matter is that you are an eternal being with infinite potential, very loved and highly valued. How much money you have has nothing to do with that! Federal Reserve Notes are nearly a figment of our imagination compared to the reality of your magnificent, miraculous existence. When you start over and get back on your feet you'll be able to see it all clearly again, but you've got to survive the fear and pain until then. You don't have to do it all by yourself. We're here and willing to be with you through the darkness and celebrate with you when you rise again. We love you!